Few things make people visibly cringe more than parents naming their kids something utterly baffling. Eating liver is one of those things, but we can all still sympathize with the North Wests, Apple Paltrows, and Kal-Els of the world who at some point early in life had to be asking mom and dad why.
But before we get on the celebrities’ cases too much, let’s not forget that the habit of eccentric epitaphs predates Hollywood by a few millennia! Anyone who’s even opened a Bible has been bombarded by several strange variants of “_____iah”, but what’s really shocking is not so much the names (most of ours will be quite eccentric in 3000 years too!) but the meanings. As a physician and author of Healing Hereafter, I thought my parents did quite well with Jason: “one who heals,” and most of today’s names carry similar simple positive vibes.
But whoa, not as much in the Bible. Whether given by parents or by God, names were less for the sake of the kids than for the situation, and I’m sure there were a lotta young ‘uns back then who were glad they weren’t born when their parents were going through a rough patch, during an outbreak of some festering disease, or in a particularly odiferous place. Here are my top 20 “Why mom and dad, why?” biblical names and meanings. Just for fun, as we can all use a bit of that mid-week, right?
1. Lo-Ruhamah-“Not loved” Ouch.
2. Abednego-“Servant of Nebo” Folks must have owed Nebo serious cash.
3. Belial-“Worthless” Let’s just start the psychotherapy immediately please.
4. Damaris-“Heifer” I, um…speechless.
5. Helah-“Rust” Still better than “Heifer.”
6. Huldah-“Weasel” Career options are certainly limited here.
7. Zalmon-“Shady” He and Huldah were likely work partners.
8. Jaala-“Wild goat” Was the goat part really necessary?
9. Ichabod-“No glory” Not even a cubit of glory? How about an ephah?
10. Azazel-“Scapegoat” Not really a title anyone aspires for in life.
11. Athaliah-“Afflicted of Yahweh” You don’t want to be on God’s naughty list.
12. Keren-Happuch “Horn of eye-shadow” Hey, some women do go overboard.
13. Achan-“Trouble” Either a bad sleeper or unnamed until the toddler years.
14. Mahli-“Weak” You can only hope this dude was ripped.
15. Merari-“Bitter” Probably enjoyed coffee, beer, and very dark chocolate.
16. Jabez-“Sorrow” No wonder he prayed for blessing and freedom from pain!
17. Meshach-“Who is what Aku is?” I don’t know, please stop asking me!
18. Ahinoam-“My brother is pleasant” Apparently more than I am.
19. Talitha-“Little girl” Not bad, unless you happen to be a big guy.
20. Satan-“Adversary” Fortunately, parents typically steer clear of this one.
Some names merit mentioning, regardless of the meaning!
Hope this gave you a smile. 🙂 But if you’re interested in biblical eccentricities that cause confusion more than laughs, check out my Healing Hereafter ebook series-always free and instantly accessible right here! Just pick whatever section asks and explores the questions you’re asking, and we’ll journey a bit together looking for answers. Hope your week ends well!
