It’s a phrase we all use. Sometimes as a joke when we have an oopsy, sometimes as a warning when we’re threatened. “Don’t judge me” may be silly or serious, but it’s always a defense. An ubiquitous and even reflexive wall we throw up to guard us from something. But like eternally locking ourselves in a room, does it really keep others from hurting us, or does it guarantee that we hurt ourselves? What exactly does “Don’t judge me” try to protect us from, and does it succeed or fail?
The imperfection on the right is harder to hide than on the left.
You might say – and we might even believe – that we resort to this phrase to protect ourselves from the meanness of others, and that can be part of it. However, literally every time that is true, as well as every time it’s not, we’re also using “Don’t judge me” to pretend that our way is perfect. Whether we’re so sure our opinion is correct or so fearful of not being correct, “Don’t judge me” is an attempt to protect us from our own imperfection. Arrogance and insecurity are two sides of the same coin, each fake defenses of fake perfection.
But is this bad or wrong…and why? What’s the harm in pretending an opinion or action is perfect enough to be above judgment? Well most obviously, we’re not perfect, and we know it. Moreover, most of our opinions aren’t perfect either, and we know that too. Yet we use these opinions to form perceptions of people, choose the path of our lives, and – dare I say it – judge everyone and everything else! We reject judgment to maintain our imperfect opinions and actions…which we use to judge every other person and action. I don’t need to tell you how much this has messed up our relationships, potential, and world, do I (Click to tweet)? It’s damaged my own life in many ways. But I’ve found some healing in categorizing specifically how “Don’t judge me” is our worst enemy – not our friend at all – so that we can easily become our own best friend instead.
1. “Don’t judge me” is impossible and hypocritical
You judge many people every day; so do I. We must, in order to make any decisions in life! You can’t know who to give time to without judging who is most worthy of it. You can’t decide who to talk to, without judging how valuable that person’s words will be. You can’t trust people without judging if they’re reliable or not. You can’t believe something to be right without judging those who believe the opposite to be wrong. You can’t even think about who someone is without judging what you believe their character to be. Subjective perception – judgment – is unavoidable and absolutely necessary.
“Don’t judge me” is therefore impossible and hypocritical – that very phrase judges someone else as being unfit to judge you! Only an enemy traps you in impossible and hypocritical expectations. In contrast, Jesus tells us to “take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye” (Matt. 7:5). He doesn’t say judging is bad; he says it should only be done using the same standard on yourself and others. We all must judge each other to take steps forward in life, and that is good and necessary. But there’s obviously more to it than that.
2. “Don’t judge me” destroys your relationship with others, by dismissing their knowledge and worth
We all must judge, and thus can’t fault anyone for the act (but maybe the method) of judgment. But “Don’t judge me” isn’t just harmful in how it dismisses judgment as being valid. It’s also our enemy in how it dismisses others in our lives from being valid. This phrase communicates that you don’t believe a person could possibly have anything educational or valuable for you to hear – regardless of how they deliver it. That their knowledge and experience is so useless that you couldn’t possibly benefit from any of it. That you’re perfect, even though both you and they know that you aren’t.
We all need to be needed, especially in relationships. And every person has something true and valuable to communicate to every other person, even if they don’t know (or even care) how to best package it for you. “Don’t judge me” chooses a known lie over people’s known value. Although it might feel good to you, it isn’t good for either them or you. Let judgment’s inevitability and others’ worth beautify your relationships by giving them a chance to be valuable to you.
3. “Don’t judge me” destroys your relationship with yourself, by trapping you in fear, anger, and stagnation
Both you and the world will always remind yourself of your imperfection. You can use defenses like “Don’t judge me” to pretend otherwise, but they’re all too flimsy and childish to actually work. You’re anything but stupid; you know the truth. And the truth gives you four options. First, you can enslave yourself to both the content and delivery of those reminders. This makes you fearfully and frantically do anything to minimize words or thoughts that even falsely highlight your imperfection. No matter the cost. This is the bondage of insecurity, and I’ve allowed it to waste too much of my life on opinions that aren’t true or even knowledgeable.
Second, you can ignore those reminders so passionately that you’ll exaggerate everything good about you to pretend your imperfection isn’t there. Like a kid who brags they scored 10 goals when they may have only scored – or even just shot on goal – once. Unsupportable claims that fool very few people for very little time. This is the lie of arrogance, and I’ve used it to be both deceptive and ignorant.
Third, you can embrace everyone’s imperfection so much that you convince yourself that no one should judge anyone and that progress is futile. Never mind that “Don’t judge anyone” is still a judgment. Or that no one – including you – is willing to abandon judgment so completely that they don’t move forward with any opinion or action. This is the potential-crushing (but rarely actually practiced) apathy of moral relativity, and I’ve used it to mire myself in mediocrity.
Or finally, you can avoid all of these self-destructive practices and choose option 4. Use imperfection and judgment to learn, teach, and make your relationship with others and yourself better. Well duh, Jay, but how? Jerks are everywhere, and many of their judgments aren’t true! Yes, but you’re not a child who fearfully flees, pridefully puffs, or lazily languishes because “Don’t judge me” commands you to. You’re a mature adult who can calmly throw out the bathwater while feeding the baby.
Judgments are just words, nothing more than information, no matter how emotionally provocative they might be. Either those words are true and useful or untrue and dispensable. And whether they’re one or the other doesn’t depend at all on who said them. The judgment 1+1=2 is true and useful, whether it’s stated very considerately, spoken by my worst enemy, preceded by a string of profanity, or followed by a series of insults. It would hurt me – not anyone else – to continue believing that 1+1=3, just because “Don’t judge me” screams that the bathwater surrounding the truth is undesirable or wrong.
Please laugh at my imperfection. This haircut needed SO much judgment it never got!
You’re a mature adult. You can choose to be immune to the bathwater while opening your arms to the baby. If parts of a judgment’s delivery contain lies about facts or lies about you, simply discard those parts! They’re obviously wrong and don’t deserve your emotional energy. It doesn’t matter if those lies were intentional or not…turn the fear, anger, or apathy they could cause into enjoyment. Laugh at their ridiculous untruth! Just as you would laugh at the obvious lie that I write short blog posts. 🙂
And the rest of the judgment? The part you know is true – not so deep down – no matter how much “Don’t judge me” yells it’s not? Embrace it; it’s a truly precious gift. It allows you to salvage and protect a part of someone’s value. It allows you to take a step of freedom from your own imperfection, instead of further enslaving yourself to it. And it allows the time you both spent on that judgment to be worthwhile, instead of just another waste. By all means – after some calming consideration – tell them what words were false and how hurtful they were, especially if it wasn’t clearly intentional. And when you do, don’t let “Don’t judge me” enslave you to their response. Whatever they say in reply is just another chance for you to feed the baby and discard the bathwater.
Every judgment allows one or both people to dismiss lies, find truth, act on truth, and become better. “Don’t judge me” is the only way you can truly lose in such an interaction, because no one benefits! It is your worst enemy, as it enslaves you to fear, arrogance, or apathy (Click to tweet). When you laugh at the lies, teach how they’re wrong, find the truths, and share how they helped, you always win. And you’ll be surprised how often you’ve taken more offense than what was actually intended or given. A realization that makes your relationships win much more often as well.
And if you think I should be focusing on the offense giver instead of the offense taker, why? Neither they nor you can possibly understand a recipient’s current state of mind well enough to perfectly package an opinion – as if that were even possible for something the recipient doesn’t want to hear. Whether they gave their judgment zero thought or hours of careful crafting, you might take offense for reasons they can’t know or control at all. How much sleep you got, what you ate for lunch, what someone else just said to you, and many other unrelated factors might lead you to take offense. They can’t ask about, fully understand, or adjust to all of those things. You can’t either when you judge them, so don’t demand it from them. That’s just another impossible, enslaving, hypocrisy from “Don’t judge me”. Whether you’re dealing with true jerks or meticulously considerate people whose words were misperceived because you have a headache they can’t see, what is always possible is you choosing not to take offense. To laugh at the lies and live the truths. Isn’t that so much simpler for everyone anyway?
Practice with every social media post, casual comment, and self-perception. You will need to – marketers, politicians, and your own nature work very hard to implant “Don’t judge me” into your mind and words. Practice with this blog too, as I’d be shocked if it didn’t elicit a “Don’t judge me” from readers! If there are lies, I’m sorry and want you to blow them off. If there is truth, take advantage of it. Why waste the time you spent reading this? Don’t give up, and judgment will soon be only a benefit, never a threat. You’ll laugh, learn, teach, and transcend. You’ll be your best you, and have done what you can to help others do likewise. Let’s say good-bye to “Don’t judge me” and celebrate the maturity and growth of “Thank-you for judging me!”.
Alright, it’s time to for me to take my own advice, as I finish this to engage others in real life and social media right now! I hope this has been healing, and if you’d like to find refreshing and rational answers to other difficult aspects of our existence, check out any topic you want in my free Healing Hereafter ebook series. Just one click away, right here.
