In working with college students, I have the wonderful privilege of celebrating many new marriages. It is a beautiful thing to see these young adults reach milestones in their relationship and lives you always wanted for them the moment you met them. But it’s even more beautiful when you realize you can learn some things from them. Besides how to dance a lot better. The following are a few pearls I’ve found helpful to be reminded of in my own marriage and friendships.
Keep talking, asking, understanding, and championing
1. Keep learning about the other person and talk about everything.
Sure, being in the early starry-eyed lover phase of a relationship makes it easier to just stare at the other person and keep asking them to talk with that enrapturing voice, but you don’t just get to know a person once. They encounter new situations, face new challenges, learn new things about themselves, and discover new causes to get excited about. At a glance, they might not seem too different over the years, but devoting regular space for them to explain what’s currently happening in them allows them to continue being the growing, interesting person you were always intrigued by. It also keeps unspoken small concerns from becoming catastrophically huge ones and makes you the person they know they can go to for safety and understanding. People’s stories never cease to be interesting, only assumed or ignored.
2. Play specific and active roles in encouraging them toward who God created them to be.
Young adults face so many uncertainties and have so many relational, personal, and professional decisions to make, so it’s not surprising that they constantly discuss with each other how the other person is going to navigate who she/he is becoming. They also often get married later than older folks did, so they better understand the value of establishing oneself as an adult before committing a lifetime to someone else. Sometimes we forget this in our friendships or marriages-that each person is an adult created by God with causes, populations, and ways of engaging the world that are crucial for them, even if they’re not as exciting to their loved ones. If you don’t understand how to actively promote a loved one’s roles they were created for outside of your relationship, these indispensable aspects of who they are will become competitors to your relationship (Click to tweet). One will view the other as a hindrance, not a help. Now I’m not talking about a passion to play video games, shop-till-you-drop, watch sports, or socialize; I’m talking about gifts each of you has been given to bring God’s truth and love into the world. Gifts that you don’t both have and won’t both be fulfilled by pursuing while physically together. Use the communication above to specify what role you play to push them forward in these parts of who they are, so that they know how vital you are for them to be wholly them. And when they release you to be the same, you can excitedly share-when you reconnect-how championing the other made the love between you that much stronger.
3. Dedicate special and planned space for nothing other than each other.
Speaking of reconnecting, this championing must involve the parts of who you both are that do occur while you’re together as well! We’re used to the concept of date nights or friend dates, and scheduled weekly time devoted to nothing other than focusing on each other is something young people shame their older counterparts in. No shop talk and minimal kid talk (if applicable), just you and me talk, while doing something or going somewhere that’s special or relaxing to both. Knowing you both make space for each other makes space for the first two items above, and it guarantees an oasis to remember that you’re together for each other, not as much for other reasons. But there’s another regular weekly time to schedule as well: dedicated weekly planning. Taking 15 minutes each week to make sure you both know when and where you’ll be, why things are on the schedule, whether goals and commitments are being met, and why you should or shouldn’t be doing everything is vital to avoid suspicions, burnout, or logistical frustrations that slowly but surely degrade relationships. Don’t do this on date night; that’s for enjoying each other. Weekly planning is to prevent reasons to not enjoy each other! Whether you define ways to push the other forward, schedule relational or intimate time that might otherwise be forgotten, or prioritize physical and spiritual disciplines, your life together will look more like what it should and less like what it chaotically becomes if you make a weekly plan. It’s a perfect time to pray for each other and the upcoming week as well.
The ultimate relationship we were created for!
4. Remember the relationship you were eternally created for above all.
Having friends, family, and spouses can be so wonderful, but we often forget that our truest friend, forever Father, and heavenly spouse is God himself. He created the first humans to reach out for him and walk with him in the cool of the day (Acts 17:26-27, Genesis 3:8-9), he continually strives to become relationally closer to us all throughout his word (Leviticus 26:11-12), and he will finally achieve this perfect community with all who desire it in the one and only heavenly marriage between himself and his people (Revelation 19:7-8, 21:2-4)! the excitement of so many young people to pursue their Creator is perhaps their most important contribution to those of us who have forgotten the centrality of this relationship. Put simply, if we don’t want God, we don’t want heaven. And if only agree with God when he agrees with us, then we really don’t want him, but rather ourselves (Click to tweet). That’s a pretty unconvincing approach to a friendship or marriage, so let’s learn from those who have come after us to keep our passion for the greatest relationship that God offers before us!
This pursuit of God himself and how to understand him are the central foci of the free Healing Hereafter ebook series. You can check out whatever parts most appropriately address your specific concerns or questions about this relationship in two clicks right here. I’m thankful for all my younger friends who have kept me appreciating God more and more, and a huge congrats to Chris, Christy, Cassidy, Steve, Rachel, Mike, Garrett, and Sarah on their weddings! 🙂
